Entering Spring

April 28, 2024 at 1:48 pm · Filed under Personal, mental health, writing ·Tagged creativity, spring, personal, words, hope, exploration

Many months later (again)…

Warning: this is going to be a personal one. Step away if that’s not what you’re here for.

I didn’t realize how long it had been since I last posted. It seems appropriate, in a way – the blog has been in hibernation, and even now, Spring is really having trouble showing itself through the cold and rain here in the UK.

Despite all, I’m still here. I don’t want to dwell on it, but winter hasn’t been easy (not least when our roof literally fell in during a storm that the insurers told us Wasn’t Storm Enough to be covered for). Household health hasn’t been great either, but we’re been b*ggering on, as they say.

I wasn’t honestly sure what to write today, just that I did want to. I asked some friends. They said ‘write because you’re a writer. Isn’t that enough?’

I’m not sure I feel like much of a writer these days, as I’ve mostly been focusing on helping other writers have their voices heard. I’ve been enjoying helping with my book reviews (over here), but have done little myself. I’m pretty sure my publisher’s forgotten I exist.

I think what I’ve been trying to figure out this winter has been where I am in Things. For so long, I did what was expected of me; digging through trauma in therapy has revealed that and brought it kicking into the light. Now, the work is finding which parts of ‘Me’ I want to hold on to, and which are best consigned to the past.

I see that a lot around me as well. Especially since 2020, there has been a lot of reassessment and re-prioritisation – especially due to health and financial issues. The world is not stable right now, and figuring out where we fit and what we can do is difficult.

I tried to explain this to a Young Person on social media. My schooling was very much By the Book. We were taught what was right and wrong, asked what we wanted to be when we grew up (jobs for life!)… very much ‘toe the line’. This was Thatcher’s Britain, after all. Years before the internet, our information came from books and the news media. We didn’t know any better, and we were kind of encouraged not to question.

Now, I see the pendulum has swung back. Student protests, marches and open dissatisfaction. Poor Government responses, as those in power are revealed as (pretty shamelessly) corrupt, having forgotten that they are literally supposed to be public servants. And the ignorance, fear and hate in the world is soul-crushing for so many.

Here I am. Just one person. But – and this is what I told that Young Person – my generation may have messed up, but I want to try and help fix things now. I still have a voice, despite all the times I’ve been silenced.

Working through my mental health has shown me how I used silence to hide, and how that survival instinct has been trying to rear its head again. It’s been so hard to write anything; my skill is with words, but when the Words don’t flow… what then?

So here I am. Wording. It may seem boring, egotistical or just Not Very Good, but I’m making myself write. Because writing is what I do.

I ask you to follow me on the social medias, as I try to share voices other than mine, raise up those who need the amplification and otherwise provide support. It’s not always directly about me, but we are all humans together. Silence is only useful when it’s taking time to ponder before speaking. Having no voice means having no power. And I want to help those who feel that way because I know it far too well.

I want to read this back and correct what I suspect are ramblings, but I’m not going to. This is free-flowing thought. Take it as you will.

I’m still here (which was actually not a given for a while), so I try to share my words in a useful way. I suspect that may be more in the style of stories moving forward, but so be it. We’ll see what Spring brings. I’m not sure what I’m blossoming into, but I hope it’s something that past Me would approve of.

Much love, friends. Thankyou for sticking around. Moving forward.

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