This is a personal one. I’m writing fast, on my phone, before my brain weasels realize what’s going on.
It’s been a hard time recently. Some of you know, but since I got told my diagnosis of CPTSD (which was apparently on file for a while all unknowing), I’ve finally found an excellent therapist and am figuring things out. Healing is happening and it is good.
BUT. The mental health Badness has been shoring up defenses in an effort to fight back, on its mission to tell me what an awful person I am. I know it’s irrational – but it’s also very loud sometimes.
The reason I’ve been doing so little is mostly anxiety. I’ve been afraid to step up, scared to write, worried that I’m simply Not Good Enough. That, combined with the keyword Useless, have been my constant foes. It’s not been fun, and I’ve been skating close to the edge from time to time.
I’m trying to hold on to the ups, however. Ideas have been coming, and I’m noting them down to let the subconscious do its work. I’m reading a lot and supporting many writers and small publishers as best I can (check out all my social media for recommendations as they happen).
I find it easier to stand up for others than for myself. It’s always been that way. But by doing so, I can remind myself what I am capable of – what my voice can do. That’s why I’m writing this today.
I know some people will write me off, and that’s up to them. I am still here. Perhaps in the midst of my ‘Crazy Wandering in the Dark Woods’ phase of my journey, but this means I’ve been able to help others who are themselves calling for solidarity through the trees.
I’m also still wanting to write fiction to get some of this out. Plus exploring previously undiscovered facets of myself, that might be considered even more weird than being Publicly Pagan. We’ll see. It’s helping both me and others, so it can’t be bad.
I’m still performing weddings. I’m pushing back quietly against some of the awfulness in society. Himself and I are considering what we can do in that regard as a household.
I am doing my best. It may feel like a small squeak right now, but I am hopeful that my roar will return.
Meantime, thankyou so much for your patience and encouragement. I can’t tell you how much it means without going wibbly, but it is a LOT.
Still here.
Much love.
(And NOW the brain has caught up and wants to me put profuse Sorrys in before deleting… quick, press Go!)
The Catbox 