This is a personal one. I’m writing fast, on my phone, before my brain weasels realize what’s going on.
It’s been a hard time recently. Some of you know, but since I got told my diagnosis of CPTSD (which was apparently on file for a while all unknowing), I’ve finally found an excellent therapist and am figuring things out. Healing is happening and it is good.
BUT. The mental health Badness has been shoring up defenses in an effort to fight back, on its mission to tell me what an awful person I am. I know it’s irrational – but it’s also very loud sometimes.
The reason I’ve been doing so little is mostly anxiety. I’ve been afraid to step up, scared to write, worried that I’m simply Not Good Enough. That, combined with the keyword Useless, have been my constant foes. It’s not been fun, and I’ve been skating close to the edge from time to time.
I’m trying to hold on to the ups, however. Ideas have been coming, and I’m noting them down to let the subconscious do its work. I’m reading a lot and supporting many writers and small publishers as best I can (check out all my social media for recommendations as they happen).
I find it easier to stand up for others than for myself. It’s always been that way. But by doing so, I can remind myself what I am capable of – what my voice can do. That’s why I’m writing this today.
I know some people will write me off, and that’s up to them. I am still here. Perhaps in the midst of my ‘Crazy Wandering in the Dark Woods’ phase of my journey, but this means I’ve been able to help others who are themselves calling for solidarity through the trees.
I’m also still wanting to write fiction to get some of this out. Plus exploring previously undiscovered facets of myself, that might be considered even more weird than being Publicly Pagan. We’ll see. It’s helping both me and others, so it can’t be bad.
I’m still performing weddings. I’m pushing back quietly against some of the awfulness in society. Himself and I are considering what we can do in that regard as a household.
I am doing my best. It may feel like a small squeak right now, but I am hopeful that my roar will return.
Meantime, thankyou so much for your patience and encouragement. I can’t tell you how much it means without going wibbly, but it is a LOT.
Still here.
Much love.
(And NOW the brain has caught up and wants to me put profuse Sorrys in before deleting… quick, press Go!)
The Catbox 
Léithin Cluan said
“Still here” is everything. I can relate to a lot of this. Thinking of you x
Nimue Brown said
Healing can be a very messy process, and with this sort of thing can bring up so much that in the short term getting better can feel an awful lot worse. So here’s hoping things are messy right now because you’re in that process and it is taking you forward. I hear you regarding the anxiety and what I can say to that is that you put a lot of kind, helpful, informative content into the world and that this is good and your doing it is much appreciated. Hang on in there.
Lesley said
As always the truth will out, this is massive courage on your part, your words are powerful more than my capabilities of expressing myself, just breathe until your dragon breath is with you…….Cat.
potiapitchford said
Wishing I could find the right words to let you know how important you are in a way that would drown out those fears. But fears about being ‘enough’ are horribly loud and persistent things. Hugs offered.
Louise said
Your squeak has reached me here in Australia and I thank you for sharing your voice.
Justis said
Thank you for sharing this – it’s so important that we don’t feel alone in these times. Your voice matters, and your writing is most definitely Good Enough, as are you. Sending you much love!
Jenn said
I would like you to know that I love each post I see of yours, and I’ve been reading them for years. I’ve often found that I’m feeling quite similar feelings to yours at the same time…the ups and the downs. It’s so hard to struggle through, even though I know I’m never alone. I’ve got a great support system and it seems like you do as well. Even with all of that, it’s still comforting knowing that someone gets it. Your words give voice to that understanding. I appreciate the time and courage you give to those of us reading your words. They (and you) are valuable and validating.
Nicky said
Hello
Relate to all you write. I teach but have a disability that I can,t share with colleagues I can,t trust they will understand
Courage and strength to you
You are an excellent writer in my view
Wishing you well on your path
Nicky x
Anxiety, Inaction and Compassion | Druid Life said
[…] This week, splendid Druid blogger Cat Treadwell put up a really brave piece of writing about how anxiety has been making her freeze. https://druidcat.wordpress.com/2022/08/23/update-2/ […]
River Crow said
Thank you Cat, for always speaking openly about mental health. Your book “Facing the Darkness” helped me a lot, and I’m sorry to hear you’re struggling with anxiety at the moment. Rest and take care of yourself.
phyliss travis said
Hang on, you are a sanative soul so you feeling the great shift going on with Mother Earth and all her children plus your own shifting in this great cycle. Try saying to yourself , I Am ONLY FEELING WHAT I AM FEELING, seeing if that helps. You may be picking other people, energies, if what you are feeling is not yours it will have to leave. Be kind to yourself. These are crazy times and it may get crazier. Stay ground stay close to nature even if it is only a house plant.
Wilow
M.A. said
I’d not known that particular diagnosis, and hey, that’s me! Growing up as a crippled kid in the 50’s in middle America was no picnic, believe it, and now that I’m 74 (how did that happen, and where did it go…) I’m still trying to console that little girl who was constantly stared at and totally ignored, and didn’t know why. I was just being me. And I still am, and all those mixed messages live in me somewhere and show up inconveniently, whatever I’m trying to do. Not only one trauma; lots of them, all centered around one situation. Makes a whole lot of sense!
Thank you. You’ve opened up a different direction to explore, with new possibilities. Onward through the fog!
wendygardner said
Dear Cat, thank you for this post! I’m glad you hit send. The anxiety is a rational response to all the world’s craziness. Lots of energy shifts about, hang in there. And yay you for beating the mind parasites! Wendy