Moving

I don’t know how to start this.

It’s been an age. I feel like I’ve been in a holding pattern for the last year. Lots to overcome or work through in life and health, but now feeling the determination again to move, to do, to speak up…

One of the worst aspects of being pretty much unable to cope with anything much of the time due to my mental and physical issues was the lack of ability to write. Obviously I could if I wanted… but I just didn’t want to. I couldn’t bring myself to even open the laptop. And if I did, the words didn’t flow. I felt like I’d be just banging a drum randomly, making noise but with no sense or feeling behind it.

Writing has always been my outlet, my creativity. To not have that was like having one of my senses go dark. Alone, unable to be heard, unable to connect… I’d lost something of myself.

Then at the end of last Summer, a wise friend told me that Spirit was telling me to write again. That I had to. She’d been told to tell me. I wasn’t sure what to make of this, but hey – who am I to question?

So, like a cripple learning to walk again using battered and weak limbs, I began. Just notes here and there, but as I became absorbed in research for upcoming books, I felt the flame flicker and begin to burn brighter. It had never gone out completely, but had been smothered, almost, by a miasma of depression or (unhelpful) medication.

The fact that I’m pushing, doing, feeling the Awen again, is itself a huge inspiration. I’m forcing myself to reach for it, and it’s there, waiting. I’m still myself, at the bottom of the pit, a flare of bright amidst the darkness.

Yesterday, I started pushing in earnest. Emails were sent to restart projects, research continues… and I dared to share links to my books again. Resulting in ‘Facing the Darkness’ going back to #1 in its category on Amazon.

This is a relatively small thing, but to me, it’s huge. I’m in such august company on that list, and people are reading my words and hearing me… I’m able to reach out again. What I have to say is worth something. When in the worst low places, that’s impossible to believe, that you’re worth anything at all.

Today, I took a single picture while out walking the dogs. I’ve used that to restart my Inspiration blog, Drops of Awen. Just one post a day, no word limit, to share a little of what inspires me. Also, to kick me into actively seeking out decent inspiration that’s worth sharing!

It’s foggy outside today. We’re still mid-winter. But I’m seeing many articles about Brigit in the run-up to Imbolc. May that wise lady of inspiration guide me, as I move forward into the year ahead.

Much love, my friends. Thank you so much for your patience and help through this darkest of times.

Onward.

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9 Comments »

  1. Catbranawen said

    Let me tell you, that I love your books and really lookong forward for your next. You are strong. My prayers are with you.
    Bright Blessings
    Catbranawen

  2. So good to read a blog from again, and wonderful to hear that you are finding a way forward. Much love.

  3. Tim said

    Your books are an inspiration, as are you! I’m glad that you’re back writing.

  4. lingib said

    I love your writing, and you are inspiring me to restart my own writing. I know depression only too well, and the awful side effects of the medication. I can’t take it so use meditation. Getting back to my writing will help me to lift myself out of that hole. You are amazing and a blessing. Thank you, Cat. Brightest Blessings, Linda.

  5. Julie said

    Dear Cat
    I just wanted to say that I love reading your comments, your words. I my going through a dark time once again and reading your words is like having a hand held out to guide me. I so want to be myself and follow that path to be at peace with nature and the elements and you give me courage. Sorry for the long comments, once again thank you.

  6. tommyelf22 said

    You already know I adore you…but I am extremely happy and smiling very large to read that you are writing again and finding inspiration. 🙂 I will essentially echo a lot of commentary here about what an inspiration you are, and how your courage to step out of the shadows inspires me to do things that I need to do. But more than anything – even if its just digital in nature, I am glad to have you in my life…books, blogs, facebook status, tweets….you being happy is contagious for me. xo –Kitten #046 — -T /|\

  7. Susan said

    You are inspirational and have and are helping many – me included , thank-you.
    Blessed be x

  8. Keep writing, keep inspiring. Big love. xoxo

  9. Jean Edwards said

    Well I can empathise – I seem to be going through the dark soul of the night; sometimes I see the light and welcome projects but ultimately I put them aside.

    But what also came to mind was anger that I was holding on – mostly the past . Then I suddenly realised that I couldn’t do that anymore; needing to forgive the past. It frustrates my son that keep up this anger from the past, people who have truly hurt me from very long ago. After an argument with him it hit me. I do not want my children to follow in my footsteps.

    And as I’m pushing 60 it’s time to put my foot down and get on with life. I am depressed at times – there have many changes since October and I’m trying to work through the issues getting back to me.

    Kind of replying to you has maybe made a beginning. I used to write and I try and keep up my crochet with the hope it could be a viable business

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